I hear, from time to time, echoes of other people’s jobs and lives with young children. It is usually a welcome insight into children’s lives that, because of its piecemeal nature, is unlikely to have the validity of a peer reviewed article surrounding it but which nevertheless seems to have an interesting point to make.
I might cite my colleague Dave’s anecdote about around the spelling competition in his boy’s class as an example, or the recounts of children’s insights around nativity plays.
However, this set of stories comes from something I’ve been pondering from the Rule of St Benedict (agane).
The hard and harsh things the new monk will meet are to be announced to him as part of his formation “Praedicentur ei omnia dura et aspera” (Rule of St Benedict LVIII). No such provision really exists for parenthood. This is partly because we assume prospective parents meet other parents (their own, older siblings, &c) and learn something from them about what they are letting themselves in for. Penelope Leach and co don’t always cut it; childhood is not linear enough to be a railway timetable, parenting is too subtle to be paint-by-numbers – but I wonder: do the ambiguities of books for children which discuss tell the reader something important? At any rate here are some of the unexpected things gleaned from personal experience and anecdotes from friends and colleagues, arranged in a personal spectrum of what I would consider difficult.
- Lack of sleep when child is ill.
- School uniform.
- Food fights over spinach baby food &c. with a one-year old.
- Bad tempers in a toddler.
- Trips to the doctor.
- Clothes arguments with a pre-teen.
- TV/Screen time with a child.
- Lack of sleep when child is little.
- Food fights over spinach &c. with a seven-year old.
- Battles with school over homework.
- TV/Screen time with teenager.
- Battles with school over progress, attitude, &c.
- Lack of sleep when child is no longer a child but is out on the town.
- Battles with teenager over progress, attitude, &c.
- Food fights with a teenager.
- Crying baby.
- Battles with school over progress, attitude, &c. for child with additional need
- Bad tempers in a teenager.
- Anger in a teen or young adult.
- Lack of sleep when child is worrying.
- Lack of sleep when adolescent is worrying.
- Lack of sleep when child is a baby and you have No Idea.
and to these, as unexpected as they are dreadful, might be added
- all or most of the above (in varying guises) with young independent adult, e.g. undergraduate
- stealing
- bereavement
- mental illness
- and death.
The dura et aspera are not be be denied, and I think any prospective parent might attempt a similar list in the abstract, give or take a few. Where they are at their hardest is when reality bites: when it really is 2:00 am and you are still waiting for the front door to go; when you are listening to excuses from a teacher rather than solutions; when Christmas looks set to be ruined by a family shouting match. Some of these are first intimated in children’s literature: Mrs Lather’s Laundry tells in a comic way of the parent that just can’t cope any more; Piggybook is acid in the way it explores parental shortcomings; Outside Over There walks through the valley of the shadows of sibling jealousy and bereavement… I know I gained an awful lot from sharing the Ahlbergs’ Starting School with my Reception class all those years ago. The adult reader picks up the message, which is why Go The F*ck to Sleep was funny but also powerful.
It strikes me that this rather oblique plea for parenting help also means that parenting advice needs not be seen as a set of skills to be acquired, a compendium of answers like the Teacher’s Book in a Maths scheme, but rather (to return to St Benedict) a balance between warning and encouragement, delivered by a person who is “aptus ad lucrandas animas,” well set up to win over hearts and minds. There is no set way; only possible strategies that may or may not help you get through the day or the night. It may be that Moomins can help.